Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize