Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
