I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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