Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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