masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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