he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
