I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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