Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
