He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Randomize
