Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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