all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
