If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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