got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
