he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
