I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
