you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
