Jerry, you need to find god
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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