if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
