I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
