I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
