He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
