So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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