we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
