My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
