i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Found your dick twin last night
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
