So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
