piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
