she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
