think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
