Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
