I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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