My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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