So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
