after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I am midnight drunk by noon
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
