theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
