Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Please don't give away my fajitas
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