Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
