the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
