This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I use my feet as sexual weapons
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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