Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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