listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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