Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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