oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
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