I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
