The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i came on her dog
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
