And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
