She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
