saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
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