Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
