Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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